My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face