How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
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Happy Friday
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
OMG 🤣🤣
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton