Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
OH. COME. ON.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
2022: I can fix it
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
this has done me in for some reason
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled