Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Ovenable?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET