*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job