Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.