6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*swipes right on my hand mirror
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what