“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips