i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
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the icebreaker
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this