I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
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*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
peeping toms
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”