3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
kevin is now a local weatherman
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not