*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.