Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!