how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
You Might Also Like
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
This trial is so absurd 😭
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.