[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
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Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!