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We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Growing up was a huge mistake
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low