why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.