My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I just finished off my daughter鈥檚 leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I鈥檓 not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I鈥檝e not had sex in 6 months
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we鈥檒l invent another one.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
dog 911: what鈥檚 your emergency
dog: there鈥檚 an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he鈥檚 across the street
dog 911: that鈥檚 not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 馃憥鈿狅笍 #FallonTonight
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Hello Twits.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird