Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.