Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs