My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.