[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My work here is done
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.