Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I occasionally drink every single night.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”