cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.