Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.