I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
How dude HOW?!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
We need more people like this.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring