If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust