Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Love is in the air fryer.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
This is painfully accurate 😅