I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
🖤✌🏽
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.