(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You Might Also Like
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Customer is always right
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*