Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
The Assassin.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.