AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
moms in horror movies
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
*lint rolls you awake*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you