“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’