[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.