Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*sewing*
A thread
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
time for some seasonal decor
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.