friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin