8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.