roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”