So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed