Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
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“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Gods work.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.