Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
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Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15