*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false