Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Phonetics
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The news
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent