Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Brother?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”