[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it