If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’m being attacked 😭
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that