Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed