– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
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The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I think long & hard before using innuendo.