Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*