Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“What?”
– Jude
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again